well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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