....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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