I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
