i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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