If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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