Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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