I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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