i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
God gave him joint rollers for hands
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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