At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
