The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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