The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
