Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I believe in your delicious
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
