Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
