You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
