Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
