What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
