I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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