sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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