I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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