Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Are my feet made of real feet?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
