i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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