just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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