i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
