Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
