I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need to calm my uterus...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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