I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize