Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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