So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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