Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i came on her dog
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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