It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
