Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
