Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
