just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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