Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize
