I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm both gender and math confused
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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