I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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