I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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