I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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