I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize