so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
