I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Too much gin, very little bucket
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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