You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
