Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
not ubering you a puppy
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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