he shaved USA in his pubs
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize