If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
