It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
