maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
