Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
