if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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