new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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