Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
