I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
