You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i was born a porn star she said
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
