dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
