Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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