sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
