I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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