I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
