Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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