Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
