i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
